Joke........Add Yours!

David Jr · **Posted:** Tue Dec 16, 2008 9:12 pm

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

john jr · **Joined:** Sun Feb 24, 2008 11:50 am **Posts:** 161

...Story about a boy's first time...

When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my {expletive} to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her booty (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my booty.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL {expletive}, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest {expletive} and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in {expletive} and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my booty a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my booty had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my {expletive} with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest {expletive} of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a {expletive} and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY {expletive}!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I {expletive} on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.)

john jr · **Joined:** Sun Feb 24, 2008 11:50 am **Posts:** 161

Some of you here already know this story, but i thought it would be a good idea to get it in type.

The setting
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years ago, i woke up one morning with my neighbors dog in my yard and our dogs in the neighbors yard. Seems they both dug under from either side and met in the middle.

To make sure this never happened again, i got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, i did it pirate style and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for i think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day im mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that i unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as though didnt unplug it.

Now im standing there, ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing i notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and i could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that fawking Briggs & Stratton rolled over, i could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did i do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just doo doo your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fencewire. My hand is wraped around the wire palm down so i cant let go. I grew up on a farm so i know all about electric fences... but dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This i could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point im thinking im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas. "*&^^&*!" i think as i remember i just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in doo doo, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest i think "oh God please die... pleeeeze die". But no, it settles into the rough lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here i am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I actually asked to God to take me. Yes, im agnostic, but as we all know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly dont know how i got loose from the wire... i woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and i was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while i was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume i finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically enduced sleep i realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right booty cheek (not the left, the right)

3- doo doo, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad as you would think

4- My left eye will not open

5- My right eye will not close

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and i now always check to make sure the fence is unplugged before i mow.

03CDKJ · **Posted:** Thu Dec 18, 2008 9:14 pm

An old tymer told me this joke when I was doing an Archaeology survey through his property...

Why did the Amish woman want a divorce????
.
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.
.
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Her husband was driving her buggy! :lol:

(I thought it was good... :roll:

)

Fulltimer · **Posted:** Wed Dec 31, 2008 9:19 pm

yellocoyote wrote:

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe’s Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn'’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she’s 24 yrs old, tall, with long blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?”

The old timer says.... . “Doesn'’t matter --- let’s look for yours.”

Most Old timers are helpful like that.

YES, WE ARE!!

Terry

Diggerfreek · **Posted:** Wed Dec 31, 2008 9:21 pm

kntrygurl · **Posted:** Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:23 pm

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno.

I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out..

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son

'Boy................. ..go git cha Momma..............

CrossBones · **Posted:** Thu Jan 01, 2009 3:08 pm

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him if he's already dead??

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked,'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made $998.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back'

tommudd · **Posted:** Fri Jan 02, 2009 9:54 am

A female friend of mine called last night telling me that everything I ever told her was B.S. I was shocked and also wondering what all I had told her since she is 1.) Blond and 2.) very well endowed so I never really remember what all I say to her anyways.
So she tells me that I am all wrong about most mechanics as she has found one that treats her right. I said well thats great so what was wrong with your nice Red Wrangler? She tells me that there was nothing really wrong but this guy stopped her in traffic and told her he just opened a new repair shop and thought she should stop in so he could check her Jeep out good. She was afraid he may try and rip her off , but she stated he didn't! All he did was check her Wrangler out and charge her $27.99 .
I asked what that was for and she replied " After checking out my Wrangler all it needed was was signal washer fluid and one muffler bearing, and seeing it was my first time there he did not even charge me any labor!"
Today I am going out looking for Blonds in Wranglers :wink:

tommudd · **Posted:** Fri Jan 02, 2009 10:02 am

Have any of you had a chance to read the new book written by Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert, they co-wrote the book and its doing very well, good reading if you have the time.

it is titled:

"Ministers Do More Than Lay People"

I think I even heard that Oprah may have it as next months Book of the Month, so you know it is truthful and great reading!

501 · **Posted:** Mon Jan 12, 2009 2:30 am

This Guy Knows Math

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, And here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day..
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so!!!

CrossBones · **Posted:** Mon Jan 12, 2009 5:54 pm

That sort-of reminds me of something I heard the other day...

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

InCommando · **Posted:** Tue Jan 13, 2009 1:45 am

A young groom from a rural area of the country comes bursting into his parents home on his weedding night. The father, shocked to see his son on said wedding night, asked the lad what was wrong.

The groom responded: Well, there we were, in bed, fixin' to do what it is that you should do on your wedding night, when Marybeth looked up and said " Be gentle, it's my first time...." So I busted out of there and ran straight here.

The father looks at the boy and says " Son, you did right. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours, either...."

Diggerfreek · **Posted:** Tue Jan 13, 2009 1:52 am

InCommando wrote:

A young groom from a rural area of the country comes bursting into his parents home on his weedding night. The father, shocked to see his son on said wedding night, asked the lad what was wrong.

The groom responded: Well, there we were, in bed, fixin' to do what it is that you should do on your wedding night, when Marybeth looked up and said " Be gentle, it's my first time...." So I busted out of there and ran straight here.

The father looks at the boy and says " Son, you did right. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours, either...."

gotta love that family circle, uh I mean tree :lol:

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Wed Jan 14, 2009 10:25 pm

Here is the new Cabbage patch doll for Illinois residents.
Now YOU can buy the governor.

Hamrhdz · **Posted:** Fri Jan 16, 2009 4:23 pm

According to a Marine Pilot:
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination. I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this...
Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)
Semper Fi

2006 KJ · **Posted:** Fri Jan 16, 2009 5:39 pm

Do you know how to make your own antifreeze?

just put her outside in the winter without clothes on! bah ha ahah!

501 · **Posted:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 10:43 pm

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

InCommando · **Posted:** Sat Jan 24, 2009 9:06 pm

THE BLONDE FROM ALABAMA

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.'

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, 'Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down And squealed...

'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers, and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know...I thought you were watching.'

Moral:
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men.....are still men.

InCommando · **Posted:** Sun Jan 25, 2009 6:10 pm

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, And here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day...
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so...

Joke........Add Yours!

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