Joke........Add Yours!

tommudd · **Posted:** Tue Jan 27, 2009 11:28 am

Auto Air Conditioning
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram and Max invented and developed the first automobile air conditioning system. On July 17, 1946 the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Fords office and sweet talked his secretery into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most talked about exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office , they refused and instead aked that he come into the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car which was now about 130 degrees and they turned on the AC and it cooled the car off right away.
Old man Ford got out all excited and offered them 3 million for their invention.
They refused saying they wanted 2 million and wanted their name on the dashboeard with "THE GOLDBERG AIR-CONDITIONER" on each car which it was installed.
Now Henry was more than a little anti-Semitic, and there was NO WAY he was going to put the Goldbergs name on the dash of every car that got air condidtioning.
They haggled back and forth for hours and finally agreed on 4 million and that their first names would be shown only.

So to this day all Ford cars with AC show

LO, NORM, HI, and MAX

so now you know the rest of the story

PS Dont lose your sense of humor during these challenging times!

Weisse123 · **Posted:** Thu Mar 19, 2009 1:22 pm

The MAN and the Tazer

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs…AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with

it!

JeepinJarhead03 · **Posted:** Fri Mar 20, 2009 2:09 am

my jokes funnier

*Points at Digger*

Diggers a champ, he takes alot of verbal abuse from me that you guys dont even see

Diggerfreek · **Posted:** Fri Mar 20, 2009 6:34 pm

if only they knew :shock:

oddball · **Posted:** Fri Mar 27, 2009 8:48 pm

Recently, Monica Lewinsky walked into a downtown dry cleaners. Behind the counter was this little old chinese guy who apparently is hard of hearing.

Monica; I'd like you to clean this dress for me by Saturday.

Old Chinese Guy: Come again?

Monica; No, it's just ice cream.

callaway · **Posted:** Mon Apr 13, 2009 11:45 pm

I just knew obama would make the shot :roll:

go global warming!

TnRebel · **Posted:** Wed Apr 15, 2009 6:46 pm

A View of Republicans and Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans & Democrats.

TnRebel · **Posted:** Wed Apr 15, 2009 6:48 pm

Nice Pigs
-------------------------

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says:
"Nice pigs, Sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says:
"Excellent trade, sir."

callaway · **Posted:** Wed Apr 15, 2009 9:59 pm

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

==========================

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father, never having seen an elevator responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the two moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother"

this is spam · **Posted:** Fri Apr 17, 2009 8:49 pm

Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?”
Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”

this is spam · **Posted:** Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:00 pm

SNAFU · **Posted:** Sun Apr 19, 2009 10:51 pm

If a fat chick falls in the woods, do the trees laugh?

Hamrhdz · **Posted:** Mon Apr 20, 2009 9:41 am

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge...Show him your badge!'

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Wed Jun 24, 2009 8:33 pm

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known necking spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the
driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused..

A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Wed Jun 24, 2009 8:53 pm

Three men walk into a hotel.

They tell the clerk they each want a room.

The clerk tells them he has only one room that is available.

The clerk tells them the room is 10 per/person, per/night.

They each give him 10 dollars to share the room that night.

The clerk takes the $30 back down to the front desk.

Later, the owner of the hotel comes in.

He says to the clerk how much did you charge for that last room we had open?

Clerk smiles, says 30 bucks

Owner says I never charge anyone more than 25 bucks for that room.

The Owner tells the clerk to go up and give them 5 dollars back.

Clerk takes five one dollar bills out of the register and starts climbing the stairs to the room.

On the way, he realizes that it'll be a hassle trying to divide 5 bucks between the three men.

The clerk puts two of the one dollar bills into his pocket and knocks on the door.

One of the three men answers the door and the clerk apologizes and says he's been instructed to give them a refund.

So, the clerk gave them the 3 dollars and left.

The men gave the clerk 30 bucks initially.

The clerk gave them each a dollar back, so they actually only paid 9 bucks apiece for the room.

3 guys, 9 dollars apiece, that's 27 bucks. The clerk kept 2 bucks. That's 29.

Where did the other buck go?

Sir Sam · **Posted:** Wed Jun 24, 2009 10:07 pm

A man and his wife sit down for dinner at a restaurant. The man beside them eating dinner is drinking heavily, the wife notices him and points it out to her husband:

"See that man drinking over there? He is my ex-husband I divorced seven years ago."

"Impossible," says the husband, "No one celebrates that long."

chefdab · **Posted:** Thu Jun 25, 2009 8:05 pm

tan's2002kjlimited wrote:

Three men walk into a hotel.

They tell the clerk they each want a room.

The clerk tells them he has only one room that is available.

The clerk tells them the room is 10 per/person, per/night.

They each give him 10 dollars to share the room that night.

The clerk takes the $30 back down to the front desk.

Later, the owner of the hotel comes in.

He says to the clerk how much did you charge for that last room we had open?

Clerk smiles, says 30 bucks

Owner says I never charge anyone more than 25 bucks for that room.

The Owner tells the clerk to go up and give them 5 dollars back.

Clerk takes five one dollar bills out of the register and starts climbing the stairs to the room.

On the way, he realizes that it'll be a hassle trying to divide 5 bucks between the three men.

The clerk puts two of the one dollar bills into his pocket and knocks on the door.

One of the three men answers the door and the clerk apologizes and says he's been instructed to give them a refund.

So, the clerk gave them the 3 dollars and left.

The men gave the clerk 30 bucks initially.

The clerk gave them each a dollar back, so they actually only paid 9 bucks apiece for the room.

3 guys, 9 dollars apiece, that's 27 bucks. The clerk kept 2 bucks. That's 29.

Where did the other buck go?

I've been thinking about this for hours. So what's the solution to the puzzle?

Weisse123 · **Posted:** Fri Jun 26, 2009 9:26 am

It didn't go anywhere...It's a math trick.

$30 paid originally

-$5 for the refund
--------
$25

$3 given back to the hotel guests

$2 kept by the owner.

$2 dollars to the owner, $25 dollars to the hotel and $3 for the refund = $30.

It's all in how you do the math.

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Sun Jul 05, 2009 8:41 am

Ray & Bubba (Arkansas mechanical engineers)
were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba,
but we don't have a ladder.'
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,
and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her
pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,'
and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman!
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government....
.. and helping to design the "stimulus package."

Murphyman · **Posted:** Mon Jul 06, 2009 12:14 am

I heard that math one before, always baffled me. Now I know to just get my own room.

Joke........Add Yours!

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