Great truths that children have learned

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2. When your Mum is angry with your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your three year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is grandad's lap.

Great truths that adults have learned

1. Talking to teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

Great truths about growing old

1. Growing old is mandatory - growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age but sometimes age comes alone.

The four stages of life

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

Success

At the age of 4 success is... not wetting your pants.

At the age of 12 success is... having friends.

At the age of 17 success is... having a drivers licence.

At the age of 35 success is... having money.

At the age of 50 success is... having money.

At the age of 70 success is... having a drivers licence.

At the age of 75 success is... having friends.

At the age of 80 success is... not wetting your pants.



the couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day - any starting time you wish."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your ****ing fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago you witch!"

1. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
–Author Unknown

2. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
–Author Unknown

3. “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
–Drew Carey

4. “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
–Jeff Foxworthy

5. “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
–Dave Barry

6. “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
–Bob Ettinger

7. “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”
–Paula Poundstone

8. “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
–Conan O’Brien

9. “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner.”
–Lynda Montgomery

10. “I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’”
–Richard Jeni

11. “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
–Johnny Carson

12. “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
–Paul Rodriguez

13. “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
–Jerry Seinfeld

14. “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
–Warren Hutcherson

15. “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
–Oscar Wilde

16. “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Parliament.. But I repeat myself.”
–Mark Twain

17. “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”
–A. Whitney Brown

18. “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”
–Dave Barry

19. Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
–Unknown, presumed deceased

20. “Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I”ll have another beer.”
– W. C. Fields




Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this... A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't t use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.

"If your sister hits you don't hit her back. They always catch the second person"

My parents knew Laurie and me well enough if I hit her she deserved it. When i was in the 6th grade, i had spent several weeks assembling a 1/720 scale model of the British Battleship HMS Hood. Lots of fine detail work involved. After it was done i had it sitting on MY bed, in MY room, when Laurie ran in, jumped on my bed for no reason, and smashed it. I smacked her hard and threw her out of my room. I was in tears for several days after that. Mom and Dad read Laurie the riot act for going into my room like that. My sis is a PITA and has caused me lots of problems through the years.

Sorry i got off topic.

_________________
Peace Through Power.

2002 Liberty, salsa red
1997 Wrangler, dark green

PSN ID: David_Lucas (Burnout: Paradise, Battlefield: Bad Company/Bad Company2)

A few days ago I was hanging out with the owner of my local garage when a blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob. We all looked at each other and another friend asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten knob?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost mine and need a new one.' So one of the mechanic's gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car in a bay which had its hood up and asked; ' Is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is, keep scrolling
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_________________
2004 TJ Rubicon.