Well, it's a local transmission shop that was highly regarded by a couple local mechanics that I trust. Sure enough, the owner invited me for the ride-along and explained everything coming up on his snap-on scanner, why some of them (or lack therof) are extremely odd, and why he wants to keep it a couple more hours, get his lead re-builder in the car with his personal whizbang scanner for a second opinion. He mentioned it's likely the fact that the CRD has a secondary controller for the trans may be the cause of the erroneous absent readings and that the alternate scanner could possibly have a firmware that can read it. He admitted it's his first time working on this engine/trans combo but the company had a pretty extensive knowledge base (he's the operator of a branded franchise).
This is all at no charge, mind you. The diagnosis is free until they actually have to replace/rebuild something. He asked if I mind if he cracks the pan to inspect for any physical signs or wear or damage if the troubleshooting leads that way, and I said since it needs a fluid and filter change anyway, that'd be fine. He asked if I have a leak on the driver's rear of the pan since every 45-RFE he's seen does (as does mine) and said he'd give it his special RTV blend that keeps that from happening

I wish I could have figured it out myself, but I'm happy to have someone with better equipment and experience do it who isn't trying to fleece me. At the very worst, I likely found a new place to do my fluid and filter services when I don't have the time.
Will keep y'all posted.
Dan
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2005 Silver CRD Limited

245/75R16 GoodYear Duratracs
Fumoto drain | ProVent CCV Filter
Stanadyne FM100 filter | Cummins fuel pump
GDE Eco | SEGR | BoulderBars | FrankenLift | Frankenskids