Tools - The proper use of...explained

mikey · **Posted:** Wed Feb 04, 2009 9:32 pm

This subject has been researched, and is accurate!!!!

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner, where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the....??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers, to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering a vehicle upwards off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the bin after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 p part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. Works equally as well on boxes and thumbs.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, liquids in plastic bottles and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

ed. · **Posted:** Wed Feb 04, 2009 9:41 pm

hahaha classic and they are all so true... esp about the multi-grips :lol:

pipeliner · **Posted:** Wed Feb 04, 2009 10:23 pm

Remind me NOT to visit your workshop when you have a job on!

Fouros · **Posted:** Wed Feb 04, 2009 10:46 pm

Ha ha

i have a tool box full of Dammit tools

2JeepFamily · **Posted:** Wed Feb 04, 2009 11:35 pm

I now have a sore mouth from laughing so much

G'ME MUD · **Joined:** Tue Jul 17, 2007 7:55 pm **Posts:** 370

I'll have to restock on my dammit's as I think i have thrown them that hard I can't find them anymore, I have been using my thongs (the ones you wear on you feet) instead lately, the ones with all the welding splater holes in them.

Team J.a.G · **Posted:** Thu Feb 05, 2009 3:05 am

G'ME MUD wrote:

I'll have to restock on my dammit's as I think i have thrown them that hard I can't find them anymore, I have been using my thongs (the ones you wear on you feet) instead lately, the ones with all the welding splater holes in them.

Be careful throwing those Safety issued thongs away they're hard to replace, especially the ones with steel cap toes :wink:

Glend · **Posted:** Thu Feb 05, 2009 3:15 am

Your welding in thongs? Or even more bizare while wearing a thong. Assuming the foot kind, how do you get splatter on them unless it has burnt through your foot?

Fouros · **Posted:** Thu Feb 05, 2009 3:32 am

they are a queensland thing

you need a pair to work on any site in QLD

Team J.a.G · **Posted:** Thu Feb 05, 2009 5:46 am

Dat's wot I'm talkin bout bro :!:

............... gotta luv it, don't ya:?:

CD · **Posted:** Thu Feb 05, 2009 7:12 pm

There will be a few tools out next weekend in Syd, perhaps they should read this thread on how to use them as they were intended :wink:

Not that there's anything wrong with that :wink:

AUS-KJ · **Joined:** Wed Oct 17, 2007 12:22 am **Posts:** 28

1) Flat sensored word File, Used to tidy up your toe nails after dropping dammit tool.
2) Flat Fine cut file, Used to smooth the ends of the finger nails. Gotta look good for the ladies!
2) side cut pliers , great for getting rid of rag nails.
3) random orbital sander/belt sander - works great for preventing cracked heals
4) Long nose pliers. used for removal of various splinters ( See correct use of drill press and table saw.)
5) 2" wide chisel. makes weekly shaves a breeeze
6) Electrical tape occasional cuts are easily remidied with an inch or two of this amazing stuff
6) wire brush Gotta keep the hair in check and look good for the ladies!
7) Tin snips - best used on toe/finger nails prior to cleaning up with the sensored word file.

Stanley trimmer - used to clean the finger nails/cuticles when not quite ready for the tin snips.
9) Vice used in conjuction with fine cut file to hold onto toes when remedying ingrown toe nails ( Side effect of waering to small steel capped thongs.)
10 ) soldering iron - best used for relieving pressure of blood blisters after dropping dammit tool.

Tools - The proper use of...explained

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