Awesome, simply awesome:

Sir Sam · **Posted:** Mon Dec 15, 2008 3:11 pm

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/274495936.html

Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.

Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely bat**** insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes bat**** insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of ****. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bull****, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

PostingID: 274495936

bugnout · **Posted:** Mon Dec 15, 2008 7:23 pm

Jeepman56 · **Posted:** Mon Dec 15, 2008 7:39 pm

That is pretty funny.

tommudd · **Posted:** Mon Dec 15, 2008 7:58 pm

not like one guy I used to have work for me. He was sort of on the "slow" side of thinking...he started dating this girl and two weeks later she told him she was having "his" baby :shock:

I talked to him and said "you know it maybe someone elses baby I mean she has been seen with a LOT of other guys"

Now we lived in a small county in Southeastern Ohio, everyone knows everyone...so next day he came back to work and said he had talked to Sally the night before and that she explained that the only ones she had slept with was four of his cousins and two of his Uncles, so he told me not to worry too much as "its all family anyways and the kid will look more or less like me anyways, so it will be OK"

They have been happily married since 1977 so......... :wink:

LoganSix · **Posted:** Mon Dec 15, 2008 8:00 pm

M'eh, they guy is still an stupid.

I'm thinking, the way he thinks of women is probably why he keeps meeting such crappy women.

dirtykj · **Posted:** Tue Dec 16, 2008 12:21 am

Poor kid ...

InCommando · **Posted:** Tue Dec 16, 2008 2:44 pm

Having dealt with the underbelly of humanity for 20 years, I'd say this guys assesment of far too many women is far too accurate.

Burchie · **Posted:** Thu Dec 18, 2008 7:12 pm

That's a great story.

mrkake · **Posted:** Thu Dec 18, 2008 11:27 pm

A similar thing happened to me about 15 years ago. I had a girl working for me that was pretty hot and I flirted with her like any guy would. I was happily married but just having innocent fun and never touched her or saw her outside of work nor did I suggest that we should. She asks me one morning if she can speak to me privately, so we step into my office. She proceeds to tell me that she is pregnant, that even though we both know that it could not be mine she is going to blame me anyway because the dad took off. She says she doesn't want to marry me, sleep with me or have any kind of relationship with me but my financial support. She says she is going to call my wife after work and tell her that we have been having an affair and I knocked her up. What she didn't know as that my wife and I decided that two children was all we wanted and after my son was born, I got fixed. I was only 26 and the urologist tried to talk me out of it and I had to have my wife come in and talk to him and sign a release as well. So like the guy in the story, I thought, "Go ahead and call. We'll see how things shake out when the "bomb" is dropped". Unfortunately, she started to tell the story to some of the other employees and one of them that knew I was shooting blanks told her. She was REALLY pissed that I was setting her up for the fall :shock:

. Good thing I was working in a "Right to Work" state. I sent her packing before lunch :evil:

. I later heard that she met a great guy, fell in love, got pregnant and gave birth to a full term child 8 weeks early. The idiot never even suspected anything.

Awesome, simply awesome:

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