Can someone point me in the right direction as to how in the world to mount these lights???

Then instructions that came in the box are crap unless you are a master electrician and know everything about anything that has to do with electricity. So if someone could help me out, like tell/show me what you did (if it's similar), then that would be great. I just have no clue where to attach everything as well as run the wires....

Anyway, thanks a lot!

Lights of any make or manufacturer can be wired quite simply.
You don't need to be a rocket scientist, but you do need to pay attention.

Each light will have two wires, one black and one of "color" (blue, red, yellow.... depending on
manufacturer).
The black wire is ground. This can be hooked to the negative battery terminal, or to any metal surface
on the vehicle.
The color wire is the 12 volt feed. This can be hooked to a simple ON / OFF switch, but should be hooked up to a relay to supply power to the lights.

The following diagram shows how to set up several pairs of lights, and includes terminal
information for the relays.

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Hella uses blue for ground on their 500s and black for positive that runs to the lamps. I just installed a set yesterday.

Did the OP ever finish the job?

Here are the install instructions: http://www.hella.com/produktion/HellaUS ... ctions.pdf