Joke........Add Yours!

Fulltimer · **Posted:** Sun Dec 07, 2008 2:54 pm

My youngest daughter sent me this!

Terry

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!! :shock:

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Sun Dec 07, 2008 5:53 pm

A STRANGER was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane, when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sheet?"

CrossBones · **Posted:** Mon Dec 08, 2008 5:03 pm

A guy came home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man was a little disturbed about what he heard, but ignored the voice.

The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignored the troubling voice.

Day after day, the man was tormented by the voice each time he came home from work: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure of the voice. So he quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money and headed to Vegas.

The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, Go to Harrah's."

So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. No sooner did he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table."

When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caromed.

The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number . . . . . . . 21.

"Daaaamn", said the voice.

CrossBones · **Posted:** Mon Dec 08, 2008 5:06 pm

I heard a good one-liner the other day....

"You might not be the best looking girl here - but you're only a light switch away."

Fulltimer · **Posted:** Mon Dec 08, 2008 5:43 pm

CrossBones wrote:

I heard a good one-liner the other day....

"You might not be the best looking girl here - but you're only a light switch away."

TAHOE · **Posted:** Mon Dec 08, 2008 7:57 pm

Wife-"Honey, I've really been thinking about getting a breast enhancement"
husband- "Well, why don't you get some TP paper and rub it on them 2-3 times a day"
Wife-"Well what is that supposed to do"
Husband- "You've been rubbing it on your butt for years, look how big it's gotten"

501 · **Posted:** Mon Dec 08, 2008 8:05 pm

What gets longer when pulled,
Fits nicely between boobs,
Inserts neatly in a hole,
and works best when jerked?

A seat belt you pervert!

Buckle up for safety!!!

Tokyojoe · **Posted:** Mon Dec 08, 2008 9:27 pm

This is a little Ditty so sing it as you read.

Two peanuts sitting on a railroad track

talking to each other,

Along came a train

down the track,

Toot! Toot!

Peanut Butter.

HoppedUpOnGoofballs · **Joined:** Sat Nov 29, 2008 10:36 pm **Posts:** 203

CrossBones wrote:

I heard a good one-liner the other day....

"You might not be the best looking girl here - but you're only a light switch away."

..If I had a dollar.....

elephantrider · **Posted:** Wed Dec 10, 2008 2:51 pm

plaxico burress was being asked why the safety
wasnt on his handgun when he was in the club.

plaxico huredly replied...

" there are two things i hate more than anything,
cornerbacks and safetys "...

:lol:

03kjsport · **Posted:** Wed Dec 10, 2008 3:54 pm

whats the best part of O.J simpson's golf game?

his slice!

Jeep4me99 · **Posted:** Wed Dec 10, 2008 7:16 pm

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, Why the long face?

Jeep4me99 · **Posted:** Wed Dec 10, 2008 7:16 pm

What did the snail say when he went for a ride on the turtles back?

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Jeep4me99 · **Posted:** Wed Dec 10, 2008 7:25 pm

Two guys go camping, Steve and Ned. They find a nice secluded area in the woods and set up camp.

Steve "I have to use the bathroom, but we forgot to bring toilet paper and all there are only pine needles on the ground."

Ned being the clever fella he is tells him to just use a dollar.

Having no other choice, Steve heads into the woods to take care of business.

About 20 minutes later he returns to camp walking oddly and cursing under his breath.

Ned "whats wrong buddy...get everything pushed out alright?"

Steve "YES!!! But now not only do I have Sh#% all over my hand.....but I have 4 quarters stuck up my stupid."

Jeep4me99 · **Posted:** Wed Dec 10, 2008 7:31 pm

What did one burp say to the other?

Lets be stinkers and go out the other end.

Jeep4me99 · **Posted:** Wed Dec 10, 2008 7:33 pm

This one is from my nerdy engeneer friend...very lame!!!

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb?

None if its engeneered properly.

snowsport · **Joined:** Tue Oct 18, 2005 11:52 pm **Posts:** 1211

Jeep4me99 wrote:

This one is from my nerdy engeneer friend...very lame!!!

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb?

None if its engeneered properly.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
---only one, but it's really got to want to change...........

Jeep4me99 · **Posted:** Wed Dec 10, 2008 7:50 pm

An apparently smart Blonde doctor, Katherine, was asked a couple questions by a pre-med student:

How did you study for the SAT?
I went to a furniture store and practiced sitting on all types of chairs, beds and couches. It was easy.

How did you study for the GRE?
I went to the zoo and listened to the big kitty cats. Any time they growled, I mimiced them...GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR she stated.

How did you study for the MCAT?
Oh that one was easy...I just went and ate Chinese food. mmmmmmmmmmmmm cat!!!

So how exactly did you get to be a doctor?
When I went to the interview, the dean just told me to show him how I practiced for the SAT on him. He must have been studying too because he kept going grrrrrrrrrrr and screaming MMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm Kat!!!!!!

CrossBones · **Posted:** Wed Dec 10, 2008 8:45 pm

Late one evening, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. Tiptoeing through the living room he suddenly froze dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silently, the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

Again, stopping dead in his tracks, the burglar peered around the room. When he spotted a parrot sitting in a birdcage over in the corner - He asked the parrot; "Was that you saying Jesus is watching me?"

"Sure was", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "So what's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot replied; "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler, Jesus.

CrossBones · **Posted:** Sun Dec 14, 2008 9:53 am

jasonk wrote:

plaxico burress was being asked why the safety
wasnt on his handgun when he was in the club.

plaxico huredly replied...

" there are two things i hate more than anything,
cornerbacks and safetys "...

:lol:

No, seriously - you know what the best part of that whole story was? :lol:

- seriously.... :lol:

okay, I'm serious.... He shot himself!
:-)r

Joke........Add Yours!

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