Just Venting About Life

lionseye640 · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 12:40 pm

So my boyfriend and I had a huge blow-out argument the other day. It all started when I mentioned that I was tired of driving 45 minutes (20 miles - one way > total 40 miles, 1.5 hours) 5 days a week to see him. I'm tired when I get off of work and just want to relax, not jump into the KJ and drive some more. I work 7:30am - 4:30pm. If I leave my house before 6pm I get stuck in horrible rush-hour traffic, so I leave at 6pm on the dot. I get to his place at 6:45/7:00pm. I have to leave by 11:00pm so that I can get home by midnight and wake up at 6:50am.

My gripe is this - he has no license, so he can't drive to meet me. I have to do all the driving, schedule my life so that he can see me as much as he wants (even though I don't always want to go hang out with him - hell, all we do is sit around watching movies because he wants to drink & drinking at the bar is too expensive). He makes around $7.50/hour and works part time because he got himself fired from his last decent job. He's 33 years old!

Why am I still with him? I do care about him. We dated & broke up years ago, but I went back because I missed him. Problem is, I'm tired, never get enough sleep, am tired of filling up the gas tank all the time, tired of just sitting around doing nothing, and tired of him trying to make me feel bad for spending MY money on my Jeep!

So, do I call it quits & break up with him (again - for good) and lose him as a friend, or do I try to make it work?

tommudd · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 1:04 pm

Only you can answer the last question. But do you care enough about him and enjoy being with him that you can see your whole future together, OR do you just see him as a great friend and want the best for him but never see a real future down the road. Simply put do you see the two of you together in ten/twenty years?
How much do you have in common, shared things you like to do? Do you have fun when you go out together? Lots of times people think that it will get better but in the end you end up hating each other due to the fact that your tastes or the things you want to really do are so much different that there is no common ground to build a real relationship. If your money and what you spend it on now is a problem , then will it always be?
Not having a license is a huge part of maybe why he doesn't want to go out but still he has to see what you are doing in going there everynight/day.
Best thing to do is sit down and really look where the relationship is going, how you really feel about him, and where you want to be in a few years. Tough choices for sure, but your happiness is what is important. Life is too short to think things may change for the better. Its not easy letting go of someone but sometimes it also lifts a huge weight off of your shoulders and lets you be you and also be happy in life.
I still love my first wife, but our tastes and what we liked grew apart to the point of us fighting all of the time. Now looking back the divorce was the best for both of us. We still really care about the other one and keep in touch but it worked out great for both of us.

03CDKJ · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 1:17 pm

Dang Tom... That's some heavy duty stuff right there!

lionseye640 · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 1:24 pm

tommudd wrote:

Only you can answer the last question. But do you care enough about him and enjoy being with him that you can see your whole future together, OR do you just see him as a great friend and want the best for him but never see a real future down the road. Simply put do you see the two of you together in ten/twenty years?
How much do you have in common, shared things you like to do? Do you have fun when you go out together? Lots of times people think that it will get better but in the end you end up hating each other due to the fact that your tastes or the things you want to really do are so much different that there is no common ground to build a real relationship. If your money and what you spend it on now is a problem , then will it always be?
Not having a license is a huge part of maybe why he doesn't want to go out but still he has to see what you are doing in going there everynight/day.
Best thing to do is sit down and really look where the relationship is going, how you really feel about him, and where you want to be in a few years. Tough choices for sure, but your happiness is what is important. Life is too short to think things may change for the better. Its not easy letting go of someone but sometimes it also lifts a huge weight off of your shoulders and lets you be you and also be happy in life.
I still love my first wife, but our tastes and what we liked grew apart to the point of us fighting all of the time. Now looking back the divorce was the best for both of us. We still really care about the other one and keep in touch but it worked out great for both of us.

As always Tom, good advice. I look at how things were last time we dated (and broke up) and realized - nothing has changed. We still argue about the same things. I look at where we both are in life, and it's like he's stuck & spinning his wheels, but I'm moving forward & chasing my future - be it career, life, what not. I do have fun with him (when we actually do something), mostly though, I'm too drained by the time I get to his place to even care about seeing him. I'm beginning to resent him

Which is something I don't want to feel about someone I care about. I definitely need to think more about this - and whether I can stand losing a good friend - he's one of those people who will cease all contact with me if I break up with him

JJsTJ · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 1:29 pm

Quote:

losing a good friend - he's one of those people who will cease all contact with me if I break up with him

Agree w/ Tom. Based on above quote, doesn't sound like the kind of person that anyone should be spending their life with. If you can't be friends, how can you be more than friends long term. Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.

I'm gonna bet that you deserve better too. Go find it.

Tokyojoe · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 1:31 pm

I agree with Tom.

Step back, look at other people in that same situation and then ask yourself, "What would I tell a friend that told me the same story?"

Just know that there are a ton of men out there looking for women that are good people, hard-working, fun to be with, and responsible. Ask yourself this also: When broken up the alst time, were you actually missing him or missing having a man in your life?"

He works part time at $7.50/hr and is 33 yrs old and only wants to sit around and drink........There is a word for men like that, if you don't know what it is, then you need to ask your friends and family.

lionseye640 · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 1:39 pm

Tokyojoe wrote:

He works part time at $7.50/hr and is 33 yrs old and only wants to sit around and drink........There is a word for men like that, if you don't know what it is, then you need to ask your friends and family.

trust me - I know the word - used it last night when the huge argument broke out.

And as far as I can tell, he and I are done. I'll be picking up my Skinks from his friends house (we never got around to installing them because again, he didn't want to work on the KJ with me - rather watch "most outrageous caught on film" tv shows and ... you guessed it... have some cocktails.

Sad thing is, the Frankenlift is getting shipped to his house - hopefully I can change the shipping with All J, and get them sent to me instead - it doesn't appear that they've been shipped yet. I don't want him to hold the lift hostage.

dog_party · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 2:07 pm

"He works part time at $7.50/hr and is 33 yrs old and only wants to sit around and drink."

Run. Run for your life.

CrossBones · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 2:11 pm

Move on girl. You can do better and probably deserve so. Don't look back.

Cruel? - No. Smart? - Yes.

lionseye640 · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 2:19 pm

Update to the story:

I managed to change the shipping, so the Franky is getting sent to my house now. The Skinks are still at his friend/neighbors house. And to top it all off, we're supposed to "talk" when he calls during my lunch break in an hour. This will pretty much end up with me sitting there listening to him whine about how I can't possibly love him if I want to break up with him, how he'll change things, blah blah blah. How tedious! And really, talking over the phone about things - cop out on his part, since I offered to sit down like adults & talk honestly about things. Ugh!

CrossBones · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 2:52 pm

Be straight with him. Let him know how you feel. Ask him if he can understand WHY you feel this way. Then tell him to call you when he changes.

Until then. get your stuff asap. Move on. Don't string him along or play him, but if he should agree to call you down the road, at that time tell me you've moved on. Wish him all the best and (again) don't look back.

Tokyojoe · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 3:04 pm

I'm sure a lot of those strong handsome Illinois LOST Jeep owners will be glad to assist you with the lift install.

Tell him to change first, then come back and talk about the relationship. He has to do it for himself and not for you.

Good luck.

JeepinJarhead03 · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 3:32 pm

this sounds way too familiar

ive always looked at it that if someone is going to quit talkin to me if i break up with them, they aren't worth dating because they aren't really a friend. that doesn't mean i havent had some relationships end where i couldn't or didn't want to talk to them again but overall, i'm still atleast casual friends with all of my ex's minus four :lol:

i refer to those as the four-bit**es of the apocalypse

someone certainly sounds very comfortable in their situation, and usually if someone has little self motivation, they aren't going to try to better themselves if they're comfortable

you said he probably won't talk to you if yall break up, that may be true now, but may not be true later when he grows up

it's hard! it sucks to have to do but sometimes the only last ditch effort you've got left to help someone who won't help themselves,,, is to leave them

i guarantee that everyone here wishes you the best and we hope you don't have to deal with it anymore

one last thing, a man or woman who chooses tv over working on a Jeep isn't worth it!

i'd rather watch someone work on a jeep than watch tv and guess what.. you can drink beer and work on jeeps at the same time!

it's Win Win!

Burchie · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 4:41 pm

lionseye640 wrote:

... or do I try to make it work?

Sounds like you're doing all the "trying" already.

Have him register on here, and we all will have a little chat with him. I'll even make a separate section called Lionseye's dead beat boyfriend section.

lionseye640 · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 4:49 pm

yellocoyote wrote:

You can bring the sliders to my house to install. Then you'll have 2 extra pairs of hands, the right tools, and some prior experience to fall back on. :wink:

The Franky? Maybe lift-party? Never done one of those myself, but I'm sure there's plenty of capable people in our area that that can help to install it. Aaron and I included.

Otherwise? Sounds like you already know the answer... regardless of how much it might stink. He's not doing you any good now, and he's not making an effort to change his situation for the better. That would be enough for me to make a decision. Someone once told me, 'surround yourself with the people you strive to be like, and the people who will make you a better person.' Some of the best advice I've ever heard.

Give me call if you wanna vent. :wink:

Good luck!

Thanks for the offers of help, Jayme! Tom offered to help with the lift, and I figure a nice long drive will help me clear my head a bit, so I'll probably take him up on the Franky install. As for the sliders - I'll definitely take you up on your offer!

As for Tim... well... We talked briefly while I was on lunch - nothing too in depth since he was at work. He pretty much realized that it was over between us since I was going to pick up the sliders in the next few days. We agreed to talk about what needs to change in order for a relationship to work, but I honestly don't think that he'll be able to change the traits that need to change. I guess I'll have to wait and see what he says when we meet up for a talk.

What everyone has said so far, echoes what I've been thinking/known for a while. Cr@p job, no motivation, alcoholic, controling ... the list goes on.

I really appreciate everyone's input, it keeps reminding me of what I need to do to get myself out of a miserable situation. Without the motivation - I could just keep letting myself get stuck in this relationship, and that's not good for either of us.

I gotta say - I'll miss his dog more than I'll miss him :shock:

JeepinJarhead03 · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 6:43 pm

say you're taking the dog to the groomers, then never go back, you and the dog live happily ever after

all dogs deserve jeeps!

.. here i go sayin that and my gf is considering getting a papalyion.. :oops:

I AM NOT TAKING A PAPALYION WHEELING :lol:

from the sounds of it, you'll be just fine, and you know you've got a huge support group here at L.O.S.T as well as Midwest L.O.S.T

you'll never go wrong with friends like those

Rock Lizard · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 7:22 pm

Just coming out of an eight year marriage, I can tell you, people don't change. You can try all you want, but sounds like you have tried twice. A person will talk about changing all they want to keep you around, but that's all it is, talk. What you are experiencing now is what you will experience for the rest of your life with him. Cut your losses and move on.

Ann, can you pm me your address again. I can't seem to find it and your old pms have been pushed out so I need it again to send you that template. Or, you can take a road trip to Colorado and Troy and I can install all that stuff. Just hop on I70 and enjoy the 12+ hour drive.

oddball · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 7:54 pm

I won't tell you what to do. If you were my daughter, that would be another thing. But what I've gathered here, you've known all along what you need to do. Best of luck.

805gregg · **Posted:** Wed Feb 25, 2009 11:14 pm

33 years old and making $7.50 an hr. dump the loser. He's not going anywhere. I was a journeyman roofer making $18 hr in 1978, my wages have gone up every year.

lionseye640 · **Posted:** Thu Feb 26, 2009 10:17 pm

Well, another update:

I asked if we could talk tonight & his response was "I guess you just need space". I felt like screaming "no you f**ker! You need to grow up!". So I guess we're done. He doesn't realize that he's stuck in neutral & going nowhere fast. It makes me want to cry - knowing he doesn't care that he's being pathetic & dragging me down too.

At least I got my sliders & said bye to the mastiff, Thor. More tomorrow

Just Venting About Life

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