Joke........Add Yours!

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Sun Jul 12, 2009 9:20 pm

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15,
just north of the Marine Corps Air Station atMiramar .
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour..
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet (Northrop Grumman aircraft) which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.
The reply came back in true USMC style:
~ ~ ~
Thank you for your letter.
We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of,
and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it,
which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft
had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was,
quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the
automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them,
since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun,
should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose.
Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.

Semper Fi

Boiler · **Posted:** Fri Jul 17, 2009 2:28 am

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Sat Jul 18, 2009 11:33 pm

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his penis.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat.."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Sat Jul 18, 2009 11:36 pm

ATTENTION - ROADS TO BE CLOSED THIS COMING WEEKEND
For those of you who might be considering a road trip, be advised:
Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29, and I-90 will be closed this weekend.
Expect long delays along these interstate highways plus major traffic disruptions in:
Charleston , WV ,
Louisville , KY ,
St Louis , MO ,
Kansas City , MO , and
Omaha , NE.
A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota

so that Obama can be added to Mt Rushmore

Diggerfreek · **Posted:** Sun Jul 19, 2009 1:34 am

tan's2002kjlimited wrote:

ATTENTION - ROADS TO BE CLOSED THIS COMING WEEKEND
For those of you who might be considering a road trip, be advised:
Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29, and I-90 will be closed this weekend.
Expect long delays along these interstate highways plus major traffic disruptions in:
Charleston , WV ,
Louisville , KY ,
St Louis , MO ,
Kansas City , MO , and
Omaha , NE.
A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota

so that Obama can be added to Mt Rushmore

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Sun Jul 19, 2009 10:36 am

Boiler wrote:

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed." :wink:

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Sun Jul 19, 2009 11:10 am

three nuns walking down the street.
a man jumps out from the bushes and exposes himself.
the first nun had a stoke,
the second nun had a stroke.
the third said she wasn't going to touch it!

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Fri Jul 24, 2009 8:15 pm

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked,"Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,

"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog. "Please, ma'am.. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor!

Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong beotch out the window.

oddball · **Posted:** Fri Jul 24, 2009 9:35 pm

"The internet, where men are men, women are men, and twelve year olds are FBI agents"

David Jr · **Posted:** Sat Jul 25, 2009 11:00 pm

oddball wrote:

"The internet, where men are men, women are men, and twelve year olds are FBI agents"

Uh-oh!

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Sun Jul 26, 2009 1:23 pm

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 50!

I am over 50 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've
got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to
fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10
seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day,
leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky
soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and
hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ( * ) that
desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys
always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep
and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical S-of-a-B.....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we
put them.

In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting
screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.
We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in
combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side,
nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never
seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning
to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl.. He still
hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little
more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The
last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old
farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best
years are already behind them.

****How about recruiting Women over 50 ....with PMS !!! You think Men
have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! ****

If nothing else, put them on border patrol....we will have it secured
the first night!

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Sun Jul 26, 2009 2:01 pm

If you hear a "loud rumble" tonight in the sky, don't worry. It's not thunder.
It's Elvis beatin' the crap out of Michael Jackson (again) for marrying his daughter.

Diggerfreek · **Posted:** Mon Jul 27, 2009 2:15 am

So an Eskimo is driving through Wyoming when his car breaks down... A little while later a mechanic come by and takes a look at the car... The mechanic then turns to the Eskimo and says " You blew a seal". To which the Eskimo reply's "So what, you screw sheep" :shock:

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Tue Jul 28, 2009 10:16 pm

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about nakedwomen. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

oddball · **Posted:** Tue Jul 28, 2009 10:33 pm

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Thu Aug 06, 2009 10:23 pm

Diggerfreek wrote:

So an Eskimo is driving through Wyoming when his car breaks down... A little while later a mechanic come by and takes a look at the car... The mechanic then turns to the Eskimo and says " You blew a seal". To which the Eskimo reply's "So what, you screw sheep" :shock:

Sorry Digger,

This is how it really goes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNU_F-DFaJw

Diggerfreek · **Posted:** Thu Aug 06, 2009 11:53 pm

tan's2002kjlimited wrote:

Diggerfreek wrote:

So an Eskimo is driving through Wyoming when his car breaks down... A little while later a mechanic come by and takes a look at the car... The mechanic then turns to the Eskimo and says " You blew a seal". To which the Eskimo reply's "So what, you screw sheep" :shock:

Sorry Digger,

This is how it really goes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNU_F-DFaJw

I like that better

:-)r

Diggerfreek · **Posted:** Thu Aug 06, 2009 11:53 pm

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said,
"Children, if you could have one raw material in the world,
what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold,
because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a
Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little
Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum
is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The
teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."

The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone?"

"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see
all the sports cars outside our house!"

tan's2002kjlimited · **Posted:** Sat Aug 08, 2009 11:35 pm

Win·dows

Noun.

A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen-bit patch
to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor
which was written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition.

David Jr · **Posted:** Sat Aug 08, 2009 11:54 pm

tan's2002kjlimited wrote:

Win·dows

Noun.

A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen-bit patch
to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor
which was written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition.

...and the congregation said, "AMEN"!

Joke........Add Yours!

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